Separation Anxiety: What You Need To Know

“There is love in holding and there is love in letting go.” ― Elizabeth Berg, The Year of Pleasures

Separation anxiety occurs when someone experiences disruptive symptoms as a result of separation from a particular person, place, or thing. We often think of it as exclusively a problem of childhood. And although it most often develops during our youth, it can affect people throughout their lives. It is important to note that separation anxiety is a natural occurrence in children up to three years. It is only when we experience symptoms after that age, that it is considered a problem that needs to be addressed. 

The following are symptoms of separation anxiety:

• Distress at being separated from a loved one
• Worry that an unexpected event could lead to separation from a loved one
• Sleep problems when away from home or a loved one
• Efforts to avoid separation, such as temper tantrums or school refusal
• Clinginess
• Fear of being alone
• Nightmares related to the theme of separation
• Physical symptoms (e.g., headaches, stomach aches, nausea) when separation from attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.

Besides the above symptoms, there are wide-ranging consequences of separation anxiety. For children, these issues may result in school problems, difficulty making friends, and delays in developing independence. As adults, it may cause social withdrawal and dependency in romantic relationships. 

The causes of separation anxiety are diverse. Children may develop separation anxiety due to an insecure attachment to caregivers. They also may have experienced a traumatic event, such as the death of a loved one or a stressful move. In addition, over-involved parenting may cause a child to worry about being separated from caregivers. Further, having another psychological disorder, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or depression, may contribute to the development of separation issues.  

The primary type of treatment for separation anxiety in children is psychotherapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) helps children learn to change the thinking that maintains anxiety and to implement behaviors that increase coping with separation. Play therapy can also be useful in helping kids to work through separation issues. Family therapy or parent training may aid caregivers in adopting strategies to help lessen anxiety. For example, parents might learn ways to support independence in their children instead of reinforcing clingy behavior. Anti-anxiety medication might be considered in addition to therapy in extreme cases.

Parents may also want to heed the following suggestions to assist children with separation anxiety:

• Encourage your child to try new experiences. Kids with social anxiety disorder want to stay at home with their caregivers. While this decreases anxiety short-term it only promotes an insecure attachment in the long run. Some gentle pressure to attempt outside activities will expose them to situations that will eventually decrease their worries.
• Make “goodbyes” reasonable. We want children to get comfortable with goodbyes. Help them by making them short and sweet.
• Establish routines. Routines provide structure and help children to feel safe. In the case of separations, routines set reasonable expectations for when your child will see you again.
• Practice separations. Leave your child with a trusted person for short periods to help your child learn that they will be fine without you and that you will return.
• Give a reward when a child can tolerate separation. This can take the form of positive attention or an enjoyable activity. Being apart is very distressing for a child with separation anxiety. Make sure you are praising their behavior when they do it.

Separation anxiety is an upsetting issue for children and caretakers alike. It can prohibit kids from receiving an appropriate education, forming close friendships, and becoming independent. Fortunately, children can benefit from parental involvement and psychotherapy. We all want children to be free from separation worries. With a few small steps, you can make a difference. 

As with most things, finding a practitioner that is well versed in separation anxiety can help you and your children to grow to achieve positive outcomes.

Here are a couple of resources:

What is separation anxiety?

Separation Anxiety Disorder